How Would You Like to be Remembered?

The other day, my mother and I were in the car driving to lunch. Nonchalantly, I asked her how she would like to be remembered and what stories she would like me to pass down to my sister's children. I thought it was an innocuous question. Little did I know. This started an avalanche of feelings and emotions that I was not expecting. Eventually, Mom and I had a very lovely meaningful dialogue about what aspects of ourselves we wanted to pass down and what aspects of ourselves we already see in the younger generation.

We would never have had this conversation had it not been for Re-membering Lives: Conversations with the Dying and the Bereaved by Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade. The traditional method of looking at death was substantiated by Kubler-Ross as a series of steps (denial, grief, anger, depression, acceptance) in order disengage one's self from lost loved ones. Using narrative therapy, this book takes a very different avenue through which to explore death and bereavement.

Instead of letting go, the authors advocate that the living decide what active role the deceased will take in their lives. The concept of membership is especially important in their model. Taking a membership stance means that anyone who has played a pivotal role in one's life can be given membership whether or not they are related to one genetically. If your next door neighbor for instance was especially important to one, one can decide to grant that person membership in one's life. On the other hand, if a family member was difficult and subtracted from your life the authors encourage you to demote that person's membership. It is a very empowering technique that allows the individual to decide how much influence they will allow others to extend over their lives.

Hedtke and Winslade also talk about using this lens in hospice setting. They encourage people who are dying, caregivers, and families to prompt discussions with the aged about how they would like to be remembered, what stories they would like to have told about them, and what traditions. The authors have found that reviewing these details with people in their twilight moments can be helpful not only for the dying person, but also reassuring for their families.

Narrative therapy is the backbone of the Re-membering Lives approach. Narrative therapy was developed by Michael White in Australia in the 1970's. According to this strategy, people construct their lives according to an internal dialogue with one's self whereby one creates a linear storyline of one's life. As I understand it, narrative therapy is about reframing one's life on a grand scale allowing more and richer details to infuse one's view of one's life.

Lastly, social justice is another key element in this Hedtke and Winslade's work. They look at minority groups and ask the questions "Who gets to write your story?" and "What elements are remembered?" In this vantage point, individuals within dominate culture often are the ones who write the history books and it is through their worldview that only certain affirming elements are revered and valued. Remembering Lives challenges this skewed application of power. This approach empowers the disenfranchised to decide for themselves what elements of their story that they want to remember and value.

How would you like to be remembered?